If you don’t like conflict handling, do this one thing instead

If you want to quickly gain someone’s attention, present to them an idea that contrasts with their existing expectations, beliefs, feelings, or attitudes.

Instantly, your audience will ask themselves, “What does this mean for me?” and “How does someone like me respond to an idea like this?”

If it is not clear to your audience what the answer is or if it represents the threat of a significant loss to them, their self-defence mechanism will immediately kick in. They will find and lob arguments at you with the intent to undermine you and/or your idea while strengthening their own position.

You may decide to respond in kind and offer arguments why you are right and they are not. This back and forth of arguments may continue until one side accommodates, letting the other side win, or until a stalemate or compromise is reached.

Or perhaps you anticipate this conflict beforehand and decide that your idea is not strong enough, your own performance isn’t unassailable, you’re not quick enough on your feet, or you fear the consequences of losing face, so you avoid it all by not bringing your idea to the table in the first place.

In one way or another, the outcome of such arguments usually does not feel satisfying and progress, if any, is suboptimal.

To change this and increase the odds of leaving a meeting or conversation feeling mutually satisfied with the outcome, hold back on your arguments and the urge to self-defend. Instead, listen to what is being said, summarize this without judgment, and ask a question to deepen understanding. Then repeat this and repeat it again.

What will happen with each iteration is that you gain a clearer understanding of where the other person is coming from, what matters to them, and why. You may not agree with what they say, but when you gain this understanding, you can plant your idea in much more fertile ground and see it blossom, rather than wither away.